Estrogen Diary – Day 36

Estrogen Day 36
Bacalutimide
Estradiol 4mg/day

I made a decision im not measuring my body as it changes. Im going to observe whats important to me: how it feels to go through this stage of my queering up.

Its changing fast. My body smells so different.

My chest has always been squared off, but largely flat. As estrogen redistributes the fat to new places, i can feel a rounding out occurring. And with it, a pull at the skin near my armpits, like my girls are starting to stretch out my skin and make room for their boob-a-liciousness.

A daily throbbing as my nipples get puffier is euphoric pain, like a tattoo artist working on me 24/7.

And my favorite sensation: the summer breeze blowing across my nipples: its a feeling ive never had. Erotic, but not sexual. Overwhelming, yet subtle.

The emergence of hips. Very subtle, possibly an optical illusion, maybe even psychosomatic. Ive included two pictures to see if you see what i see.

Whats most noticeable to me is the emotional calmness i experience most days since ive started estrogen.

I know a part of it is the absence of testosterone…the bicalutimide is doing a great job reducing the testosterone in my system. Its also dramatically reducing the size of my prostate, making for full nights of sleep.

But theres something about the estrogen that is smoothing out the corners of more than my “pecs”.

Imma go really into the clouds to find the words.

Im calmer – my brain is so much quieter.

My perspective is broader: I see places of safety surrounding the threats in front of my face.

Feelings and ideas that never fit in my mind not only have a place now, but they light up a corner of me i didnt know was there.

I dont have words – and clearly struggle with the imagery – to describe the feeling: its something i will continue to observe and reflect on.

But here are some photos through the week.