Estrogen Diary (Day 75): Like lightning in my veins.

monday,
the first snippet of hope in years –
the joy that my son
might be HEARD
in school
crescendo’d
throughout the day,
never reaching a peak

like Ladybug, i was
invincible

then

tuesday night,
the decision in Brandt,
old whyte men denying trans youth gender affirming care

it didnt take the joy away,
but like black clouds
it invaded the cool comfort of summer’s citrus sunset

ugh

immediately,
my heart and brain
back in 2021,
the arrest,
the decision,
the reaction
.

.

.

then…

…gratitude
for what i carried forward
sadness
for who and what i left back there,
in those years

a tornado of emotion

.

in the bathroom tonight,
i catch a glimpse of me looking at me
in the mirror —

“Throw a stone and watch the ripple flow
Moving out across the bay
Like that stone, I fall into your eyes
Deep into that mystery”

there it is
theres the feeling
for three months on estrogen,
this feeling evades description,
but here it is, in a song

when I see the me in the mirror,

“Please forgive me if I act a little strange
For I know not what I do.
It’s like lightning running through my veins,
every time I look at you”

there it is,
right there
“lightning running through my veins”

thats the feeling,
that’s the feeling
that is the estrogen

that

is the estrogen

i am taking estrogen,
in part, to feminize my body

in whole,
i take it
to feel alive

how do i convey that to you?

the feeling of being a caterpillar, melting in the goo of life,
and then overnight
seeing myself
becoming
a great and pretty thing?

“all my words are falling short
and there’s so much I want to say
want to tell you just how good it feels.”

when you think of me on estrogen—
do you see the great and pretty thing?
or the moment
i can see myself
becoming?

“I got half a mind to scream out loud
I got half a mind to die
So I won’t ever have to lose you, girl
Won’t ever have to say goodbye.”

The gallery below are images that are important to me, for a variety of reasons, in my Queering Up. Click on any image to see a full screen gallery with captions and more information.